Snobbism for children (1)

Lecon 1: Your Birthday

Obviously, when you read this, you’ve been born already. For some things, like choosing your birthday, it is simply too late. If you could choose it yourself, than you would probably avoid a birthday in the summer when your godfather and godmother are abroad. This means that they will buy you some cheap souvenir like a pair of wooden shoes or a silly T-shirt with the Eiffel tower on it. Children born on Christmas day are often atheists. That’s also logical. It’s annoying as well to celebrate your birthday on a Sunday or other holidays because this means that you will receive obscure presents, bought quickly in a highway petrol station shop.

It’s a fact that the stork is an endangered species. But sometimes a late parenthood can also be the fault of your parents, because they were a little bit stressed. Or because of your mother who liked her career more than a pregnancy. However it’s also a well-known fact that some parents are in such a hurry, that they don’t even bother to put silk sheets on their bed!

When everything follows its natural course, even when your were a ‘fecundity in vitro’ (a chic word for when you were conceived in a test-tube), your parents should announce your forthcoming arrival to their relatives and friends. But according to etiquette, they should wait until your embryo is at least three months old. This is logical too because it’s difficult to keep your arrival a secret after that period.

The rules of etiquette also consider that it is indecent and impolite to arrive earlier than expected. Even when you are driven by an urgent desire to become a bouncing baby sophisticate. Etiquette thinks that it is more appropriate to be late. At parties and other social events, the more important you are, the later you may arrive. Or even not at all! But in your case your mother would very likely disapprove. It’s also appreciated that the announcement is made by your mother herself; especially to her female friends, so they can immediately tell her about their personal experiences (sometimes quite horrible), suggest some addresses of adorable gynaecologists or even propose some names for you.

A Caesarean section is an easy and snobbish start to life: this is an operation in which you are taken from the uterus by cutting through the walls of the abdomen and the uterus of your mother, so called because Julius Caesar supposed to have been  delivered this way.