Snobbish stage name

Dear Anton,

Since I’m planning to become a famous actress and to move to Los Angeles in a few months, I’m desperately looking for a new identity, a new name, since my real name is pretty dull and undistinguished. A good friend of mine in Quebec gave me your address (she considers your breviary of snobbism as her bible) saying that you might certainly have some ideas or inspirations….

Best regards and thanks for your help!

Olivia S., Calgary, Canada

Dear Olivia,

Indeed, your Christian and your family name are rather common: you are absolutely right to change them into a snobby stage name. I read somewhere, that the first oil barons of Calgary were called the “sheikhs with blue eyes”. Perhaps your great-grandfather was in the oil business too, so you might be a baroness yourself or a shaykhah (female for sheikh).

Maybe, if you aspire thought-provoking movies like Last year in Marienbad or directors as David Lynch, you should consider a name with a German or Baltic timbre (like Shelley von Strunckel, Vogue's horoscope lady): German evokes discipline, respect and esteem. You could eventually add titles as "Freifrau" (Baroness) or "Gräfin" (countess). Or a Finnish name perhaps, because Finnish sounds always very mysterious, intellectual and stylish: with lots of double A's and I's that make your name impossible to pronounce! Now that the cold war is over, Russian names are totally accepted. Nevertheless it should have a "historical" tone. You should immediately ask your family genealogist to discover an 18^th century uncle at the imperial court in Saint-Petersburg. Undeniably, these researches are quite expensive, but if you are willing to pay the price, I’m sure he will even determine your family affiliation with the Romanov’s.

Of course you can also remain very American: then you should choose a surname with a Flemish or Dutch background, like Vanderbilt or Vanderwhatever, a name that suggests deep roots and old money. If you choose an English name, it should be a “double” name, like Sackville-West or Zita-Jones. Since you’re Canadian you may also choose something French: don’t forget the nobiliary particle (de). But beware: French is often connected with luxury and voluptuousness. Of course, it all depends of what kind of actress you want to be... 

Good luck in Hollywood!